Monday, March 02, 2015

Housebound and Crazy!

The past five weeks have been absolutely maddening thanks to the relentless snow. Because I live on a narrow, in-town street in Gloucester, we have to get our cars off the street when it snows and I have been parking at a friend's house because she has a large driveway. In years past, I would park there until the snow ban was lifted and then go get my car and park on the street again—not this year.

We have had a record amount of snow—over 90” in the past five weeks. My car has stayed buried in snow at my friend's house and, much as I am dying to go get it, there is no place to put it once it is dug out. Consequently, I have been fairly well stranded. Thanks to the goodness of friends, I have been well provided for—grocery delivery services and friends with cars and driveways have saved me—but this is a maddening situation.

In theory, this should be a peaceful break. A time to snuggle in and make lots of tea and write and read and knit and sew—all the things I love. But the fact is that I've been becoming increasinly nervous and irritated and I don't really know why. Worrying—worrying about my car, worrying about not getting anything done, worrying that I worry too much. Itell myself that worrying is a waste of time and energy and I just need to forget the situation and get to work. But it's never that simple. I find myself constantly on edge, jumping at every strange sound, checking the weather forecast over and over. This isn't me.

Or is it?


I am trying to figure out why this is so stressful. Is it just the absence of my car? Two years ago, before I bought the lovely car I have now, my old car was in really bad shape and I avoided going anywhere that I didn't absolutely have to go to. But then I had enough money to buy a new car and all was well. I don't remember this level of stress when I had a car that was close to useless, so what is the problem? Am I just getting old?

I can't say I have come up with any answers but this has made me think about how much I value my autonomy. It is hard for me to relinquish anything that increases my dependence on other people. In a way it is sort of like being an indie author/publisher—you have to be self-reliant and when anything compromises that reliance it is scary.

Spring is coming. Snow will melt. The street will clear and I will have my car once again—these things I am sure of. But this has made me think about how difficult it is for me to rely on others—far more than I ever thought. And that is something I need to think about, so this is time well-spent.

Thanks for reading.



2 comments:

  1. My mood, anxiety level and lack of purposeful activity is a mirror image of yours. Thanks for posting - it was therapeutic.

    I could add repetitive, useless behavior to the mix.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I completely understand!!! Thanks, Consuelo!

    ReplyDelete

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